In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
