Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
being pregnant is like rehab
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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