i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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