There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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