Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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