I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
