I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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