I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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