I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
