a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
please don't ironically join a cult
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