There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
