the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
