There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Never joke about your clitoris.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
