I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
