Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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