Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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