I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
