I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
then he tried to convert me to islam
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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