Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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