New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
