Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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