she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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