I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
