totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
