Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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