So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
