i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
