He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
