just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
