So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
