I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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