So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
