and i looked up. we had an audience...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
