Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
