He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
