Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
