I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Swine flu is the new snow day.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Randomize
