I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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