Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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