the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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