Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
