You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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