Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
