my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
