I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
