I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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