So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
