And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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