i just sent this text using only my big toe
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
