He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
