burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
