When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Randomize
