My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
