got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
