does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize