so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
