Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
