i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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