I wish I could teleport
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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