It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
