new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
