Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
