I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
