I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
